英语小笑话带翻译（英语小笑话带翻译范例）

1、 "What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.圣诞老人喜欢在花园里做什么？答案：锄地。（英文里Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是锄草之意，ho则是圣诞老人的笑声。）"

2、 "An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.一个男人找到一个巫婆，要求她解开一条困扰了自己40年的咒语。The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."巫婆说："或许我可以做的到，但你必须一字不落地告诉我下咒的时候说的那句咒语。"The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."男人毫不犹豫的答道：“我现在宣布你们成为夫妇。”"

3、 "“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.我帮来购物的女士包好东西后，问道：“是付现金、支票还是记账呢？” 当她找钱包的时候，我注意到她的包包里竟放着一个电视遥控器。“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.我问：“你一直都随身带电视遥控器的吗？”“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”她回答说：“不是啦。但我老公不乐意跟我一起来购物，所以我决定拿走他的遥控器来惩罚他。”"

4、 What can Santa give away and still keep?Answer: a cold.什么东西圣诞老人可以分送出去，自己却也还留着？答案：感冒。

5、 "There are 100 cents in a dollar. Coins come in the following denominations: $.01 or 1 cent (a penny,a cent, one cent), $.05 or 5 cents (a nickel, five cents),$.1 or 10 cents (a dime, ten cents), $.25 or 25 cents(a quarter, two bits, twenty-five cents), and $.50 or50 cents (a fifty-cent piece).Coins are called "change", "small change", or"silver" though they arent made of silver are generally recognized by their size, butsomebody "goofed" on the dime, which is smaller than either a nickel or a penny. All the others are in size more word for you: dont hold out your hand with either bills or coins and expect someone to take the correct change from you. That cannot be done in any Western country.一美元中有一百美分。硬币是按下列币值铸造的：一美分，五美分，十美分，二十五美分，五十美分。硬币也叫"零钱"，"小钱"，或"银币"，" 虽然 它们不再是用银子铸成的。总的说来，硬币是通过大小来识别的，但总有人把十美分搞错，它比五美分和一美分都要小。其他的都按币值的大小顺序排列。还有一点要说明：你不能伸出手，托出一把纸币和硬币而希望别人从你那里拿走数目正确的零钱。这在任何西方国家都是不好的。

6、 "Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.万圣节派对过后，两男人图个乐呵，打算抄近路穿过墓地回家。Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.走到墓地中央时，他们被从迷雾中传来的“答、答、答”声惊吓到了。Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.正当两人害怕得浑身颤抖时，他们看到是个老头拿着铁锤和凿子，在一块墓石上凿着什么。"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"“哇塞，先生，”其中一人喘了口气说，“你把我们吓得半死啊，我们还以为遇上鬼了呢！那么晚了你在这里做什么？”"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"“那帮白痴！”老头抱怨道，“他们把我名字拼错啦！”"

7、 "A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyers office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $ Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $ Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.律师的狗，没有拴而到处闲逛，它来到一家肉店，偷走了一块 烤肉。店主来到律师的办公室，问道“如果一条没栓的狗从我的商店里偷了块肉，我有权利从狗的主人那里要回损失吗？律师答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 美元，你的狗没栓而且今天从我的店里头了块肉”，律师什么都没说，马上给他写了一张支票。一些天后，店主打开邮箱，发现一封来自律师的信，信上写 道：咨询费250美元。"

8、 "Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didnt do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "Thats all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"汤姆早上老起不来，所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气，警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是，汤姆去看医生，医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。汤姆照医生的话做了，睡得非常之好，事实上，他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。汤姆从容不迫地吃完早餐，然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”，汤姆说，“那药真管用，我的睡眠好极了！” “是够管用的，”老板说，“问题是，昨天你人哪去了”？"

9、 ""Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "Well, what sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one? " Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldnt happen to have another example would you? I must confess I dont know much about history."“医生，你能不能告诉我，”鲍勃问，“对于一个看上去很正常的人，你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢？”“再没有比这容易的了，”医生回答，“问他一个简单的问题，简单到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢？”“嗯，你可以这样问，库克船长环球旅行了三次，但是在其中一次的途中他去世了，是" 哪 一次呢 ？ ”鲍勃想了一会儿，紧张的回答道，“你就不能问另外一个问题吗？坦率地说，我对历史了解的不是很多。”

10、 "Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, : Its there, : Thats right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?Sammy: Johnny, sir.老师：约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。约翰尼：先生，在这儿。老师：对了。萨默，你来回答我是谁发现了澳大利亚?萨默：先生，是约翰尼。"

11、 "On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam.我在加利福尼亚的圣玛丽亚市一所社区大学读书。期末考试那天，听说书店在回购我们的工商管理课本。考试前，我们几个赶忙跑到书店把书卖了，随后，我们坐在教室里等着考试。这时候教授宣布：考虑到试题的难度，今天的考试我们决定开卷。"

12、 "A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, places his hand kindly on the childs shoulder and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?" The boy replies, "Now we run!"一个牧师正沿着街走路，这时他看到街对面有个小男孩正试图按一所房子的门铃。但这个小孩太小了，门铃又高，他够不着。看到那个小男孩费了很多劲，牧师走近了他。牧师优雅地穿过马路，走到小家伙的背后，轻轻地把手放在小男孩肩头，按响了门铃。他弯下身子，微笑着问道：“接下来怎么办，孩子?”小男孩回答说：“接下来我们跑。”"

13、 "Walking on the beach one day he saw a crab1, went to see what happens, suddenly crab pincers（钳子） folder2, then crab bush run. Tiger jumped the pain, followed by the recovery of crabs3!Catch up with no trees on the crab, and then to see a tiger in Shou Network spiders, tiger angry at Spider: Good you a crab! Do you think you posted on the Web and I do not recognize you!一天老虎在沙滩散步，见到一只螃蟹，就走过去想看个究竟，突然被螃蟹的钳子夹了一下，螃蟹拔腿就往树丛里跑。老虎痛得跳起来了，紧接着就追螃蟹！追到树丛就不见螃蟹了，这时老虎看见一只守在大网中的蜘蛛，老虎对着蜘蛛发火了：好你个螃蟹！你以为你上了网我就不认得你了！"

14、 "Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?老师：汤姆！约翰！你俩今天为什么迟到了！Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.汤姆：老师，我一直在找我丢失的一美元硬币。Teachear: John, what about you?老师：那么你呢，约翰?John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.约翰：老师，我不能动啊，我把他的硬币藏脚底下了。"

15、 "Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn was obvious hed been in a bad fight and lost. His father asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel2. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.""Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair.""I know, but I never thought hed choose his sister!"小彼得从操场回到家时，鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。显然他刚与人恶斗了一番，而且打输了。父亲问儿子发生了什么事。“噢，爸爸，彼得说，我向拉里挑起决斗，而且我让他挑选武器。”“嗯，”父亲说，“这看上去很公平！”“我知道，但我没想到他选择了他姐姐！”"

16、 "MY ENGLISH PROFESSOR once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走？”他问道，“是什么让你每天上学来？又是什么驱使你追求成功？”冲着一个女学生，他问：“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢？”学生答道：“我妈妈。”"

17、 "It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his one house a small boy answered the door. "Tell me, young man," said the politician. "Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?""Neither," said the child, "shes in the bathroom."正值当地竞选时期，候选人到他的区域的千家万户登门拜访。候选人来到了一家门口，一个小男孩开了门。“告诉我，年轻人，”候选人问道，“你母亲是在共和党还是在民主党？” “都不是，”孩子答到，“她在浴室。”"

18、 "A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, Ill leave Oxford this very evening!”A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said , a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那个家伙不收回他今早对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。”下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说：“我们要支持他、学习他。”突然，一个女孩问道：“那家伙对你说什么了，霍波？”他弯下腰小声说：“哦，呃呃，罗斯小姐，呃他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。”"

19、 "The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog."Its all right," said a gentleman, "dont be afraid. Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?""Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”"

20、 "Jimmy is three years old.吉米3岁了。One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!"一天，他正在窗口观望，夜幕降临。他突然喊道：“妈妈，妈妈，快来关窗！”"Why? Its not cold, sonny."“为什么？天不冷呀，宝贝。”"Yes, mum, but the night will come inside."“是的，妈妈，可黑夜会进来。”"

21、 "Its not my faultMother (reprimanding训斥，谴责 her small daughter): You mustnt pull the cats : Im only holding it, Mom. The cats doing the pulling.不是我的错妈妈（正教训她的女儿）：你不该拽猫的尾巴。女儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在拽。"

22、 "One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪...Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢？Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."女孩：昨天，我骂了某个男人一句：“你这个狗娘养的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：为什么？他对你做了什么吗？Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他...他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父伸手摸女孩的胸部）Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.女孩：（因为神父的举动而有一些害羞）嗯...是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是...他又把我的衣服脱掉。Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服）Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是这样子没错。Preac" her: "That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...女孩：然後...他把他的...那个...放到我的...那个...里面...Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)神父：（奸笑貌）你是说像这样子吗？（神父和女孩就那个那个了）Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that s what he did...女孩：（数分钟後）喔...是的...就是这样子...Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a...神父：我亲爱的孩子，就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个...」Girl: But he had AIDS!!女孩：但是他有AIDS呀！Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!神父：那个狗娘养的！！！"

23、 "Working at the post office, Im used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "Whats the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "Weve been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husbands new hearing aid."我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗？”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了！”“是" 什 么好 东西 ？”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。

24、 "One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition if I Am a the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boys answer.一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。"

25、 "A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala（欢庆的） charity event was taking caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution."Great idea!" the chicken cried."Lets offer hem1 ham and eggs?""Not so fast," said the pig testily2. "For you, thats a contribution. For me, its a total commitment."一只猪和一只鸡路过一所教堂，那里有一场盛大慈善活动正在进行着。在精神上收到触动的猪向小鸡提出建议：他们每个人作出点自己的贡献。“好主意！”鸡尖叫道，“让我们给腿和鸡蛋吧？”“着什么急”猪不耐烦地说，“对你来说，是一个贡献，对我来说，这是一个完全的献身。”"

26、 "This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew... Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. Thats me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.这是你们机长的声音。请允许我代表全体工作人员，欢迎你们乘坐英国航空公司602号航班从纽约飞往伦敦。我们此时在大西洋上空35,000英尺的高度。如果你从飞机的右边向窗外看去，你将会发现右侧的两个引擎都已经起火。如果你从左边往外看，你就会看到那边的机翼已经脱落了。如果你俯视下面的大西洋，那么你会看到一艘黄色的救生筏，上面有三个人正在朝你挥手。那是我、副驾驶员还有" 我 们的一 名 女乘务员。这是一段录音。

27、 "Mrs Brown was going out for the day. Shelocked the house and tacked a note for the milkmanon the door: "NOBODY HOME. DONT LEAVE ANYTHING."When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:"THANKS! WE HAVENT LEFT ANYTHING!"布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西!” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢!我们什么也没留下!”"

28、 "A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, , and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.有个小男孩非常需要50美元，他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来，他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信，想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了，于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元，因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴，给上帝回了一封感谢信，信里写道：尊敬的上帝，非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而，我" 发 现这些 钱 是通过白宫寄出的，因此，和往常一样，那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。

29、 "A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks youre stupid, please stand up." Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Why do you think youre stupid, Little Johnny?" "I dont, maam, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"代课教师试图运用她的心理学知识。开始上课时，她说：“谁觉得自己很愚蠢，请站起来。”小约翰马上站起来了。老师问：“为什么你觉得你很愚蠢呢，小约翰？”“我不觉得我很蠢，只是我不愿意你一个人站在那！”"

30、 "Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”"

31、 "My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brothers piggy bank, which drives him crazy.我表妹总是从她哥哥的小猪扑满里“借钱”，她哥哥对此事感到很愤怒。One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.一天，表妹四处寻找，最后竟然在冰箱里发现了扑满。Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope youll understand, but my capital has been frozen."扑满里有张纸条：“亲爱的妹妹，我希望你能够理解，我的资产现在已被冻结。”"

32、 "The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant."You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, its not better, just unused."一个外科医生正要作一个脑移植手术。“你可以从两个脑子中选一个给你。”医生告诉病人，“一个心理学家的大脑1000美元，一个政治家的大脑10000美元。病人很惊讶二者之间这样大的差别，“政治家的大脑好一些吗？”他问。医生说：“不是好一些，只是没有用过。”"

33、 "My English professor once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走？”他问道，“是什么让你每天上学来？又是什么驱使你追求成功？”冲着一个女学生，他问：“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢？”学生答道：“我妈妈。”"

34、 "As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, thats him," came the reply. The stranger couldnt help but be amused. "That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊？” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么？” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。”"

35、 ""What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man."I broke a mirror," he replied."But that means seven years of bad luck.""I know." he said, beaming,"Isnt it wonderful?"这难道不好吗?“你高兴什么?”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。“但那预示着7年的坏运气。”“我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗？”"

36、 "When my printers type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printers directions and try the job surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?""Actually its my bosss idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."由于我的打印机不能打印出清晰的字来，我就打电话给维修部。电话是一位非常和蔼的男人接的，他说我的打印机也许只是需要清理一下。他还说，如果让维修部清理的话要交50英镑的清理费，让我最好看看使用手册自己试着清理。当时我真的被他的话感动了，就问他：“你们老板知道你这样拒绝生意么？”“事实上，这就是我们老板的主意，”雇员答道：“因为如果我们让用户先自行修理打印机的话就能挣更多的钱。”"

37、 "A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "Im going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I .""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "Im the groom."大街上的一个超速驾驶者被警察拦住了。“但是警官”这个人说道，“我可以解释的”。“保持安静”，警察突然说道。“我将把你送往监狱，直到长官回来。“但是，警察，我”。“我说过了保持安静，你要到监狱了。”几小时后，警察向监狱里看了看说道“算你运气好，因为我们的长官正在他女儿的婚礼上。他将带着一个愉快的心情回来的。”“你确定”在牢房里的这个人说道。“我就是新郎呀”。"

38、 "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW."Officer, look what theyve done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”"

39、 "A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。"Who are you?" he asked.“你是谁？”丈夫问到。"Im the Devil!" she responded.“我是魔鬼！”她回答到。"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹！”"

40、 "Jack fell off his bicycle and got beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back.杰克骑车摔伤，去医院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填。 杰克填好后递上表格。"Anything else?"The nurse asked. "Yes," Jack thinks for a while and said "lm a bachelor."“还有什么漏填的?”护士问。“有！”杰克想了想说，“我是个单身汉。”"

41、 "A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didnt recognize you."一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院， 在手术台上，濒临死亡之际，她看到了上帝， 于是，她问上帝是不是她的日子到头" 了。 上帝回答说，“还没有，你还能活43年，2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候，这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年，得好好对待自己，于是决定先不出院，而是去给自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。 她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。 做完最后一个手术，这位女士出院了， 但就在过马路的时候，她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地问上帝，“我记得你说我还能再活40年？” 上帝回答，“那个时候我没认出你来”。

42、 "It was the Christmas season and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What is your offense?”“I did my Christmas shopping early this year,” cried the prisoner.“Theres nothing wrong with that,” said the Judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”“Before the store opened,” answered the prisoner圣诞佳节到来，法官心情愉悦的问受刑人：“你做了什么坏事啊？”“我今年圣诞节购物早了些。”犯人回答。“那并不事件坏事”，法官说：“到底多早之前啊？”“商店开门之前。”犯人答道。"

43、 ""My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "Mywife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war,and my daughter is foreign secretary.""Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is yourposition?""Im the people. All I do is pay." 布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。”“听上去挺有意思的，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？”“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”"

44、 "A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen."一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, Ill hold your monkey for you."女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”"

45、 "A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just dont work out can we get a porce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!"一对年轻的夫妇在去结婚的路上出了车祸，双双死去了。于是，他们来到了圣徒彼得面前，妻子问是否她还可以和丈夫结婚，圣徒彼得告诉他们，关于这个问题他一有了结果就会回来找他们。差不多30天以后，圣徒彼得回来了，并且告诉他们可以在天堂结婚。妻子又问：“如果生活的不愉快，我们可不可以离婚呢？”圣徒彼得看着她，回答说：“夫人，我花了30天才找到个传教士，难道你真的希望我再去找个律师吗？”"

46、 "Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the Sun, and they tell me its about ninety-three million miles away.律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西？证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。"

47、 "George comes from school on the first of 月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？” 妈妈问I didnt like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。”"

48、 "Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."不速之客就在路上，我妈妈，一个完美的家庭主妇，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后，当她去检查的时候，她吃惊了，曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条，纸条上写着：“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。”"

49、 ""i had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”"thats terrible!" said the friend. "got any pain?" “真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”"no, but i am always thirsty!" “不疼，可是我总感到口渴！”"

50、 "Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didnt notice the other.妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗？约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。"

51、 "Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"就在我开始平安夜祷告时，教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛，把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛，整理了一下笔记后，我说：“刚才我讲到哪儿了？”传来一阵不耐烦的声音：“马上就讲完了！”"

52、 "On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说，她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿，那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。"

53、 "A preacher is buying a parrot.一个传教士在买鹦鹉。"Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗？”传教士问。"Oh absolutely. Hes a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.“噢，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主向他保证。"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."“你看见它腿上的那些细绳了吗？当你拉动右边这根，它会背诵天主经；当你拉动左边那根，它会背诵赞美诗。”"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"“太棒了！”传教士说，“但是如果我同时拉动两根绳子，会发生什么呢？”"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.“我会从树干上掉下去，你这个笨蛋！”鹦鹉尖声说道。"

54、 "A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didnt have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。 他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。 于是，他爬到他的船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。“I-75号公路，Standish的南面两英里”。沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快？”"

55、 "Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: "where shall we go?" The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"两颗番茄去逛街，第一颗番茄突然走得很快，第二颗番茄就问：“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答，第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答，所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说：“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye," Mon ey."迪斯尼之旅 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”

56、 "While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . "Mump umn Kmpfhm," was all I heard."Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word youre saying. "He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly .A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?" "Im a dentist," my husband explained.在饭店吃饭的时候，我申斥我4岁的儿子，因为他满嘴食物在说话。“喔、呢”，我听到的就是这些。 “祖，”我责备道，“没人明白你在说什么。” “他说他要一些番茄酱，”我丈夫平静地说。坐在旁边的一位妇女靠过来问道：“你究竟如何明白他的话的呢？” “我是牙医。”我丈夫解释道。"

57、 "A curious guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings1. "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper. "And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires. "I fall off my perch2 you fool!!" screeches3 the parrot.有个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。在那里，他看见有只鹦鹉的左腿被红线系住，右腿则被绿线系住。对此他感到不解，于是他问该店的老板，老板回答说：“这只鹦鹉受过特殊的训练。如果拉红线，它就讲法语，拉绿线，它则讲德语。”这个好奇的人接着问，“要是我两条线都拉，会怎么样呢？”“我就会掉下来了，你这个傻瓜！！”鹦鹉尖叫着说。"

58、 "In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.在一家电影院里，一名观众在演出期间站了起来，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:几分钟后，他回到那排位子并问坐在首位的那位男士道："Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?"“对不起，请问我刚才出去的时候是踩着你的脚吗？”"Yes, but it doesnt really matter. It didnt hurt at all."“是的，不过没什么关系，一点也不疼。”"Oh, no, it isnt that. I only want to make sure that this is my row."“噢，不，我不是这个意思。我只是想确认一下这是不是我的那排位子。”"

59、 "Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom?老师: 汤姆，“男人”这个词的复数形式是什么?Tom: Men.汤姆:男人们。Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?老师: 答得好。那“孩子”的复数形式呢?Tom : Twins.汤姆: 双胞胎。"

60、 "Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so Im teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, whos also been taught how to box." Dan: "Im teaching him how to run, too."丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”"